If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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