it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
