I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
50% drunk capacity currently
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
