I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
