Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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