so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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