I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
