dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she looked like the before picture.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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