Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
