The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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