So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
