I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
