cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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