she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
