dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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