Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
