I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It was confusing and full of hummus
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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