bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
