i think my mom watched the whole time
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
