now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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