"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
