I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
