It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
