last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
