R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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