i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
my poor anus
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
