I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
