i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
