everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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