It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
