i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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