My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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