Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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