that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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