also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
