make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
