I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
