When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
