If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
