The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
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i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
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IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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