the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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