I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
