the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
