Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
