Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
