Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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