Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
