Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
