Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
