My sheets look like a crime scene.
you traded sex for a burrito?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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