God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
too bad you live with your parents still
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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