She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
