omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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