why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
