Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
