You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
