We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
